An Introduction
When I was a child, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t have an answer, so I made something up. I said I wanted to be an astronaut.
When I got to middle school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t have an answer, because I learned that it’s really hard to be an astronaut. I made something up. I picked something just as interesting, but more realistic; an archaeologist.
High school came around. I was too stupid to be an archaeologist. They asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t have an answer, so I made one up. A journalist and a radio personality; even I could do that, right?
College came around. I majored in communications. They asked what I was going to do with that degree. I didn’t have an answer, and I started to get scared. I wasn’t interesting enough to be a radio personality, and journalism was too competitive for me to handle. “I guess I have to make something else up,” I thought. Because I had to have an answer, didn’t I?
I sat down and thought; what do I want out of life?
The only thing I could think about was that I wanted to be free.
What kind of a career was freedom?
I shook my head and I changed my major to hospitality. They asked me what I wanted to do after I graduated with that degree. I didn’t have an answer, so I made something up; I told them that I wanted to be in an industry that was needed everywhere, so I could live anywhere. They nodded in approval; Hotel General Managers make six figures, they told me. I smiled and nodded, never once desiring to be a hotel General Manager.
College ended. I asked myself what I wanted to be now that I’m grown up. I don’t have an answer.
So, I guess I have to make something up.
All my life I’ve felt pressure to know what I’m doing and where I’m headed. I always waited for the next milestone to reveal that path, that desire, to me.
Every time I expected a revelation, I was disappointed. Here’s my biggest secret: no career appeals to me, and no industry seems worth my while, when I got down to its core.
Because it seemed like every type of job had a trade-off: I make a lot of money, but I work all the time. Great benefits, but I can’t morally support what the company does. I have creative freedom, but I only make 30k a year. I can be silly and have fun, but I’m not doing anything meaningful. I couldn’t think of a single thing that was a happy medium for me, personally.
I don’t even need to be rich! I just want to be free and happy and feel good about how I spend my days. That’s it.
I’ve been stressed out about my career since I was six years old and began to grasp the concept. The panic that I felt after graduating college and getting an entry-level job in my industry that I still don’t feel is right for me is terrifying.
I felt like I had a timeline, and my time was running out on discovering what I was supposed to do. I did everything right, but I’m just as clueless as I’ve always been. I change my mind every day. The other day I decided I wanted to have my own farm. The next I wanted to try being an electrician. What the hell? I went to school for hospitality; a business degree. Did I just waste five years of my life?
But then it came to me as I was talking to my family about my new ideas of what could possibly fulfill me; it’s okay to not know. It’s okay to change my mind, to keep dreaming, keep trying new things. I don’t have to have a five-year plan.
Can I pay my rent now? Yes.
Is my job okay? Yes.
Do I have time to explore these tugging desires? Yes.
That’s all I need! What a relief! I can figure the rest out as I go!
This is why I think my life is going to be weird, because it could go in absolutely any direction now. We won’t ever see hotel General Manager Story, even though with the right persistence and network I could reach that in probably 10 years. We might not see Farmer Story either. Or Electrician Story. Or maybe, we’ll see a weird combination of all three, in a way none of us expect.
The point is, I'm done chasing after things that I'm not even sure I want. I still don't have an answer. But making something up no longer intimidates me: it makes me feel free, which is the only thing that I ever really wanted.