23 More Lessons

My birthday was a while ago, and many of these lessons were written back in January. It’s interesting though; despite the fact that I am the author of these lessons, reading them back a few months later when I finally felt up to finishing this list, it was as though I was reading them for the first time. I couldn’t figure out why it was taking me so long to write this until just now; it’s because this time is when I needed to hear them. It’s always so cool when my past self accidentally writes just the perfect thing for my future self to read.

1. It’s not where you are, it’s how you are.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s important to feel at home wherever you are, for however long you are there. But what I failed to mention, is that you also need a way to do that. You cannot simply decide to feel at home, especially if you, perhaps, don’t actually want to be in whatever place you are in.

So that brings us to this. While you are trying to make home in wherever your foot steps down, it’s important to collect some reasons as to why you are there, in order to be fully present and content in your current location. I believe that it is nearly always possible to be content in wherever you are living, under most circumstances, with the correct thought process. Why are you there? Is it within your control? What is the purpose? How long until you fulfill it? Use those questions to find an anchor, and then make the best out of it. What can you do during the time you are in x place, to live the best quality of life with what is given to you? Then it’s up to you to decide how you want tobe while you are there.

Whether it’s a person, job, or even a mistake that brought us to wherever we are, there is the possibility to make the best of it. One you decide how you want to be, the where is not nearly as limiting as you might think.

2. The Universe knows what’s best for you.

There’s a rhythm to the way things work. I’m sure you’ve felt it; a time period where you felt on top of your game, and every move was the right one. It wasn’t just your own life that was working well; Your friends were doing well, your relationships were positive, hell, even the weather was nice. That’s when you’re listening to the Universe and riding the wave it gives you.

I’ve discovered that it’s easy to fall off that track. One time you might not follow intuition, for whatever reason, and the track will skip. It’s hard to get back on when that happens, because the minute it does, we forget that there was this inner voice and another, deeper layer to our lives that we had once been in tune with. But it’s so important to always try to find that, no matter how lost we feel.

There is something going on that none of us can see, but it’s strong, powerful and has our best interests at heart. Call me a weird spiritual hippie, but I’ve felt it before. God, the Universe, or just catching a vibe — whatever you want to call it — it’s there. Everything is connected: breath, nature, humanity, soul. The goal is to balance them all and listen to the rhythm around us.

3. Being sensitive isn’t something to be ashamed of.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to be less sensitive. Most of my years between the ages of 12–22 have spent being shamed in some form or another for being more susceptible to feelings of hurt. For a while I tried really hard to change my brain. I put on mental armor that I hoped would make my sensitivity go away, but all it did was cut off all emotion except anger.

I am a sensitive person. I am emotional. And there is no way I can be anything but that and I no longer see it as a flaw. I mean, I’m not saying that if you’re a sensitive person, too, that it’s healthy for every rude comment to reduce you to tears, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling things and having an emotional reaction to words that are spoken to you. It means that you are, in fact, in touch with your emotions and that is a positive thing. It’s only when we let ourselves be in touch with that side of our brains that we can begin to understand how they work for us, and how to use them properly and keep them in the right amount of check, and to use them as tools for living life in the best way.

Some people are not sensitive, and that’s fine, too. They will find something else that works for them. But I am not those people. I am susceptible to guilt, and feelings of sadness especially. The only way to not let them overwhelm me, though, is to embrace them and learn about them, not to pretend they don’t exist.

4. Everyone else is going through things, too.

When I’m going through something and it’s consuming all of my mental space, I find that it’s really easy to not pay attention to other people. It makes sense; we use most of our energy focusing on what’s going on inside our own heads, and that’s a good thing. But it’s also important to always hold onto the thought that everyone around us is also feeling as much as we are feeling, and thinking about their own lives, struggles and successes, just as much as we are. So, before you make surface judgements on the way people are coming across to you in your everyday interactions, remember that, for better or worse, they have a whole world going on inside their head, too.

5. The most important thing you can be is resilient.

I love myself for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that I’ve learned to be resilient. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered that what was once the “end of the world” is actually something I can get over or come back from (for the most part). I’ve taught myself how to do that quickly, easily and healthily, and it has saved me so much strife. Disappointment, embarrassment, heartbreak, I feel it for what it is and then I move on and don’t look back. Even for things more serious, it’s important to hold on; humans are strong, and you will be okay.

6. What you look like doesn’t matter.

When you’re in your happiest moments, where you are just l i v i n g life to the fullest, are you concerned, even for a second, about what you look like? How awesome would life be if we felt like that all the time?

It’s taken years for me to undo the self-consciousness that comes from not ever managing to become that one specific type of attractive that is celebrated in our society. However, now I know that the way I look doesn’t dictate anything else about the kind of life I want to live and the person I want to be. And I like the way I look! (What a concept.) I don’t want to change anything, and I don’t even have to.

I encourage people to become, first, okay with themselves. After that all it takes is time, practice and patience until you reach the love.

7. It just gets harder from here.

One night in September, I was lying awake and thinking about every single “bad” decision/mistake I had ever made. I thought about the weight of the pain that the horrible moments in my life still carried for me. I wondered and marveled about how I had made it though, despite so much struggling, and how happy I was that my most recent poor decision was on the mend. I was astounded at the number of things I had made it through.

And then it hit me, like a fucking smack in the face: This isn’t going to stop. There isn’t a specific number of “hardships” that we go through and then we are done. There’s always another thing. It just gets harder from here.

I had a moment of distress, but then I thought about it. Each thing that I had hated, that had been so difficult for me, had yielded a new and improved version of me, who is now better equipped for similar situations in the future. So, yes, it gets harder. But we get stronger, too.

8. Ask a lot of questions.

This will make life more challenging and also better. Sometimes you might get answers you don’t want (or no answers at all), but at least you never blindly followed or sat around wondering. Asking questions is how you gain control of your own life.

9. Trust your intuition.

Listen, if you have a gut feeling, or a gnawing suspicion, or a weird doubt that won’t go away about a situation, listen to those things. Our mind is connected, even subconsciously, to what happens to us and around us. Sometimes we can instinctually pick up on things that our brains haven’t even processed as good or bad, yet. Every single time I’ve ignored that intuitive impulse or idea that flashes through my mind or creeps up after a few moments, I’ve ended up having a bigger mess to clean up later. Trust your instinct.

10. Talk to strangers.

I mean don’t be an idiot about it, obviously, but definitely do it when you have the chance. I’ve had some of my favorite conversations with people who I knew for just a few hours and have never seen again.

11. Take the high road.

This has been and will always be one of the hardest things to do. I see a lot of people stooping to the very levels that they claim to despise (and I have done it many times, too); hate fought with a different brand of hate that people refer to as a “taste of their own medicine,” or “what they deserve.” I think we have a different option. If we want the “enemy,” whatever that may be, to take us seriously, burning down a world that is already on fire isn’t going to get much attention. I’ve learned that points are much more well received (at least by those who matter), when they are communicated in a mature way. If you’re better than someone else, or if your ideas are what is truly right, fucking act like it, or we will all get nowhere.

12. Don’t waste your time with fuckboys.

If you don’t know what a “fuckboy” is (or fuckgirl, too, I don’t discriminate against gender), give it a little search and familiarize yourself with what they consist of. Then, ignore them. Don’t try to teach them a lesson (they won’t get it), and don’t be mean to them, either (it won’t make a difference). Just leave them be. You can get anything that they may appear to offer you somewhere else for a way better price.

13. Take time to appreciate the weird things that happen to you.

All of us have weird lives. “Everyone thinks their life is boring and everyone is wrong,” my friend once said to me. Each of us has a different perspective, experience and walk through life than the next person. Each of us has weird things happen to us. Don’t make the mistake of brushing them off, or choosing to group yourself in with a label that you appear to fit closest to. It’s the little things, the nuances and the strange situations that we come into contact with every day that set us apart and make us interesting. Always appreciate them for doing that.

14. Narcissists are sneaky.

Narcissism is a confusing characteristic, because it can so easily be confused with a very confident type of charisma. Confidence and charisma are, however, positive characteristics, while narcissism is not. Don’t let people tell you otherwise. Avoid narcissistic people, please. They really do not add much to your life experience. They are manipulative, but deceptively so. It is easy to not realize that they are under your skin until it’s too late, and the damage control that comes after being close with a highly narcissistic person is tough, believe me. And to top it off, they’re kind of annoying, too.

What I’ve realized, and what makes this whole thing worse, is that, though most narcissists will be the first to admit that they are one, there are a whole slew of them that have no idea what their character traits mean and how they affect others around them. Many narcissists have spent their whole lives being told that they are good people, so they don’t ever stop to question their movements throughout the world; they just assume that, because they have always been the “good guy/girl” that they will just continue to be, unchecked.

So just be careful. If something feels off in a relationship or a friendship, ask why. And always be aware of how your actions and words are perceived. I’ve been both a victim and a perpetrator of narcissism, and it doesn’t feel good on either side.

15. “It’s just hair.”

It’ll grow back, so experiment with it if you want. Cut it short, shave it off, dye it a horrible orange, get it fixed, dye it pink, then take the pink out and get left with a nice orange, and then bleach it. Or do all of those things in one year. Why the hell not? It’ll grow back, it’s only hair.

Wear lipstick that you’ve never worn before. Oh, you went the whole day with it getting on your teeth? Just get a different kind next time. Whatever. It’s only makeup.

Buy that weird top that kind of looks like a curtain but for some reason you really vibe with it. In three years you might be like what the hell was I trying to go for, but your seventeen-year-old self felt cool, so it was a win. They are only clothes.

Get tattoos if you want; it’s only skin. It’s just going to rot away and fall off your bones when you’re dead, so who cares if you don’t like palm trees as much when you’re fifty-five as you did when you were twenty-one. Literally name one person who cares. Live, for God’s sake, that’s why we’re here.

16. Don’t ghost people.

The alternative might be a five-minute phone call that makes you a little uncomfortable, but it’s so much more respectful to be real with people than to leave them hanging. No matter how long you talked/dated/did sex things, the person on the other side is real fucking human, and they deserve honesty. (It also makes it a lot less awkward if you would happen to see them in public later.)

17. Tell your story as often as you can.

The one thing that we should not have any problem talking about is ourselves. Why is it, then, that so many of us dread the question “Tell me about yourself?” I love that question. It’s my chance to get to mention the things about me that make me interesting and smart and diverse. We all have those things, those experiences. I cannot stress enough how telling stories about yourself and your life to others will make you so much happier. There’s a difference between being egocentric and sharing your story, and the latter one is something you should never feel ashamed to do.

18. Tell people it’s your birthday.

I’ll admit that I used to be pretty bad at this; I would never tell anyone when my birthday was. If anyone interacted with me on that day I would always keep it locked away inside and just pretend it was a normal day. I know other people who do this too. Why do we do that?

It’s the day we began living. It deserves more attention. I don’t care if you don’t like attention; remember that you’re special and live like that. It’s just one day. Also, people will probably be extra nice to you.

19. The only path to maturity involves taking ownership for the things you have done, both wrong and right.

Take ownership for yourself, your mistakes and your choices. This point is similar to the one in my previous list about “owning yourself,” but I wanted to be a bit more specific here. I’ve noticed recently that I tend to really, really like certain people and really, really dislike others. I’ve always wondered what exactly it is in a person that can turn me off so quickly, especially when, at first meeting, I think they are interesting or nice. But I’ve realized as I’ve begun and ended so many friendships and relationships that the largest disparity between people who I talk to now and people I do not talk to is their level of maturity.

What makes someone mature? Among a number of things, many of which simply come with age and life experience, one facet jumps out at me as the most important. Maturity is a marker of self-awareness, which is important to me, but more so it’s the recognition that one has of one’s own footprints on this world. It’s the ability to stop, turn around, and see the path you’ve taken and the prints you’ve left on the earth to get from where you began to where you are now. The grass you’ve stepped on, the branches you’ve pushed out of the way — the damage you’ve done and the good seeds you’ve planted. You must understand it all and take ownership for every step.

I do not want perfect people in my life. I am not perfect; my path has been rough at times. What I want, and what I want to be is mature. Yes: I’ve done that thing, and I am proud of it. Yes: I’ve done that thing, and I am sorry for it. It is how we learn, everyone. There’s no such thing as a wholly “good person” or a wholly “bad person,” but there are mature people and immature people. Don’t live life in shame or in pride. Just know who you are what your effect on everyone else’s experience in this life is, because what else is there?

20. It honestly just doesn’t work unless you’re being yourself.

Maybe this is cliche, and maybe I don’t need to say it. But I’ve spent so long pretending, trying to mold myself into a knock-off version of someone “cooler,” and nobody has hated it more than myself. Things just come so easy and life is so much nicer when you decide to take off all the masks and just reveal who you truly are and begin living as you.

21. Learn to live for the everyday

Life isn’t a constant adrenaline rush. It’s not a backpacking trip across Europe. It’s not a dangerous or perspective-altering adventure most of the time. Most of the time, we’re mundane. We’re waking up, cooking food, going to work, sitting on the couch, and running errands. We’re with friends and people we care about, watching TV, talking, having a drink. We’re alone, doing makeup, taking a shower, cleaning the house. We must find joy in that simplicity. It is possible; I do it all the time. The daily tasks have become my favorite things about being alive. Yes, the excitement of a change of scenery or a new activity is amazing and good, but it’s not what keeps me going every day. The little things that we take for granted as just a part of the human experience can be beautiful.

22. “The best is the enemy of the good.”

I heard this quote in a podcast (Hi, Awesome Etiquette) and not only does it apply to writing thank-you notes and hosting parties, but also to literally everything else. Sometimes, I find myself not doing things that I know won’t turn out exactly how I want them to. I’m so afraid to act unless it is perfect that I never do anything at all. It is better to show up, try your best and end up with “good,” than to wait until your best is “perfect.”

23. If you constantly feel like you have to prove yourself to someone, you shouldn’t hang out with them.

We are not called to go through our lives walking on eggshells. Find people who make you feel your best when you are living as you.